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Coupledisputebacktoback-300x205When I send a matrimonial difficulties letter, I am often trying to find out whether we can negotiate a separation agreement before filing for divorce. The letter itself is deliberately short, usually. I explain that I represent the recipient’s spouse, say that my client would like to resolve matters amicably, and ask the spouse or an attorney they choose to contact me.  “Matrimonial difficulties letter” is the term I use for this initial communication. It is not a document required by New York law, and sending it does not itself start a divorce case.  If the other spouse is willing to discuss settlement, that short letter can lead to much more detailed work. We need to move from general intentions about separating to specific terms concerning property, support and, where applicable, the children.

Moving From an Initial Conversation to Negotiation

At the outset, I may not know whether the other spouse has retained counsel or where the spouses agree and disagree. I do not want to send six pages of demands before I have enough information to make a useful proposal.  A client might tell me, “We already agreed I’m keeping the house.” Then I discover that nobody has discussed the mortgage, the equity, refinancing, or how long the other spouse is expected to remain on the loan. That understanding gives us a place to start, but there is still work to do before we have complete terms.

Once someone responds, we can begin addressing those details. I may negotiate with another attorney or communicate directly with an unrepresented spouse within the ethical limits that apply. We might work through correspondence, telephone calls, meetings or Zoom.  Throughout those discussions, I represent my client. I am not the couple’s neutral mediator or the other spouse’s attorney. The other spouse can obtain independent legal advice about the proposed terms. Continue reading ›

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Outsidequarrelcouple-300x200A letter on a matrimonial lawyer’s letterhead has a way of making a marriage problem suddenly feel official, and frightening. If you open your mail or email and see that your spouse has retained an attorney “in connection with your marital difficulties,” your mind may immediately move several steps ahead. Has a divorce been filed? Am I about to be served? Do I need my own lawyer?

The first thing to understand is that what I refer to as a “matrimonial difficulties letter” is not a court paper or a document required by New York law. It is simply an initial communication from an attorney intended to open a discussion about marital issues and how they might be resolved.

When I send one of these letters, mine is usually short. I tell the other spouse that I have been retained, explain that my client would like to address the parties’ marital difficulties amicably if possible, and ask the spouse, or an attorney the spouse chooses, to contact me. Continue reading ›

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Young-Couple-300x200Herkimer County is big enough to make the word “local” a little complicated for couples in search of a divorce mediation solution. It covers more than 1,400 square miles. A couple in Ilion and a couple near Old Forge can be dealing with the same divorce system while having a very different idea of what “meet at 2 p.m.” actually involves.

After more than twenty years in New York family law, I can definitely say I’ve lost any kind of sentimental attachment to traditional conference rooms. If we need ninety minutes to talk through a pension, a house, or a parenting schedule, I know plenty of couples that would rather spend those minutes on the actual problem, rather than driving, parking or planning around weather conditions.

After all, most divorces come with a lot to sort through. In Herkimer County, couples can find themselves untangling relationships that have gone on for shorter periods of times or for more than 20 years, which means covering everything from who gets the house, to retirement, maintenance, and parenting plans. Continue reading ›

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Mediationpic20Zoomwomanmandonscreenintie-300x200Otsego County covers more than 1,000 square miles, with about 58 people per square mile. Those figures sound like dry census material until you’re trying to arrange one meeting for two spouses living in different towns, working different hours and possibly sharing responsibility for children. A 90-minute appointment can swallow most of an afternoon before anybody has discussed the house, the retirement account or where the kids will spend Thanksgiving.

I’ve spent years handling divorce and family law matters, and I’ve never believed extra inconvenience improves anybody’s judgment. People already arrive carrying enough. They’re worried about money, where they’ll live and whether a parenting schedule that looks reasonable in July will still work on an Otsego County road in January.

Mediation can’t make a divorce simple, even when it’s handled virtually. Sometimes, there are situations that can make traditional litigation the only reliable route forward. But for the right people, virtual mediation offers room to make serious decisions without turning geography into one more problem. Continue reading ›

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Mediationpic22Zoomtabletlaptop-300x200Divorce is tricky wherever you live. In Washington County, the complications can add up fast. There are several questions to answer straight away.

Who stays in the house? What happens to the retirement account? Can one parent still manage pickup if the other moves twenty-five minutes away? What if winter roads make a schedule that looked fine in July completely useless by January?

Washington County isn’t built like a compact suburb where everyone is ten minutes from the same office park. It runs long and rural, with no cities, a county seat in Fort Edward, and families spread through places like Granville, Greenwich, Salem, Whitehall, Fort Ann, Argyle, Kingsbury, and Cambridge. A “quick meeting” isn’t always quick once work, kids, weather, and the drive are involved.

Virtual mediation could be the answer many couples are looking for. While it’s true that some cases belong in court, when two people can sit down with real numbers and enough self-control to keep talking, Washington County divorce mediation can keep the work where it belongs: on the decisions, not the fight around them. Continue reading ›

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Couple-Counter-300x200Many people who call me are considering whether to file and server their spouse or to try to negotiate first.

They’ve already lived through the false starts. The awkward holidays. The night-time math. The talks that begin calmly and somehow end in someone standing in the kitchen saying, “I can’t keep doing this.”

So when they finally reach me, they want movement. Filing feels like movement. It has a date. A receipt. A court file. Whether you are in Nassau, Suffolk, or Queens County, it means something real has finally been started, and after months, or years, of private misery, I understand why that feels good.

Still, filing first doesn’t automatically hand you the house, custody, or the better financial deal. It also doesn’t automatically speed up the process of getting everything “figured out”.

A court in New York still divides marital property using equitable distribution, which means the court looks at fairness under the statute, including what counts as marital and separate property. That takes time.  Custody agreements do too, since decisions focus on the child’s best interests, not which parent got to the court first. Continue reading ›

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Video-Call-300x200I’ve handled enough divorce matters to know that every county has its own texture. In Columbia county, every space has it’s own nuance. A divorce in Hudson doesn’t feel the same as one centered in Chatham, Kinderhook, Copake, or Germantown. People here are spread out. Lives are layered.

One spouse may work toward Albany, the other may be rooted in the county, and both may still be arguing over a house that means more to them than the appraised value says it should.

With a population of over 60,000 people, and a slightly older population than most (28% of residents are over the age of 65 according to sources at the time this blog post was written), Columbia County brings interesting challenges to divorce. The median value of owner-occupied homes is $347,100 (according to sources at the time this blog post was written), which tells you something important right away: a lot of divorces here are tied up with equity, retirement, and the question nobody likes to say out loud, which is, “Can I actually afford the life I’m trying to keep?”

Sometimes, traditional litigation can make the whole process of figuring that out feel more complicated than it needs to be. That’s often why people start considering divorce mediation, and start asking how easy it is to find a mediator they can trust, who also happens to be accessible. Continue reading ›

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Mediationpic12lawyersmanglassesblondewoman-300x200Going into a divorce, people know it’s going to be uncomfortable. Money gets dissected. Parenting schedules get debated. What they don’t want is a prolonged battle that eats up savings and turns minor disputes into major standoffs. Avoiding added stress and legal expense isn’t easy when the default path is litigation.

In Warren County, many divorces involve picking apart the layers of long-term marriages, dealing with shared homes that might have appreciated sharply in value, dealing with pensions and retirement accounts built over decades, all in an attempt to figure out what comes next.

Litigation can take most of the decision-making out of your hands, and sometimes, that’s the right move, particularly when the situation involves a lot of conflict. Mediation, on the other hand, gives Warren County couples another path. Instead of structuring your life around a court date in Glens Falls, you structure the process around actual problem-solving. Continue reading ›

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Video-Call-300x200Divorce isn’t just a legal step. It changes your whole life. It doesn’t really matter who wanted it or why it’s happening, it still takes a toll. You’ll have to deal with money, kids, property, and a dozen other things you didn’t plan for. Trying to do it all alone usually makes things harder. Getting help matters. But there are different ways to get support.

Sometimes, the best option will always be taking your case to the courts. Working with a licensed attorney and taking the traditional route is sometimes the choice when there’s high conflict or safety concerns to think about.  I represent people in the Long Island and New York City area in court proceedings, or out of court negotiations or as a behind the scenes consultant (I can be hired as a negotiator when there is not a court case or a behind the scenes consultant for upstate residents as well.) Continue reading ›

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Couple-Home-300x200Divorce has a way of pulling in every part of your life at once. It’s emotional, of course, but it’s also about money, children, property, and paperwork. I’ve sat across from clients who were exhausted before we even started, not because of the marriage ending, but because the legal steps felt endless.

Court litigation has always been the default, and sometimes it has to be, when there’s real conflict, or when safety is an issue. But it isn’t always necessary. Divorce Mediation gives couples another route. Instead of arguing in front of a judge, you can sit down with someone neutral and work through decisions together. The tough decisions still have to be made, but the process often feels different.

In Cayuga County, though, this route isn’t always easy to take. If you live outside Auburn, chances are you’ve had to look to Syracuse or Rochester for divorce mediation. That means an afternoon off work, child care to arrange, and hours on Route 34 or the Thruway. In the middle of February, with snow blowing sideways, it can feel impossible. Some people have delayed divorce for months or longer because just getting to mediation seemed out of reach. Continue reading ›

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